Day 55

I feel like my heart is sliced open and it's bleeding all over the place. Tomorrow will be 8 weeks since my son passed away, soon it will be 2 months, and I don't think I feel like writing anymore.

There are a few conclusions I have come to about his death. First of all this is something that I will have to overcome. No I won't ever actually get over it, but I promise myself that I WILL still have an amazing, fulfilling life. There will always be an emptiness inside me that will never go away but I WILL overcome this and try to fill my life with as much joy and happiness as I can.

My daughter's addictions will continue to be an ongoing source of severe anguish for me, however, I know that ultimately SHE will have to fix her own problems and her own life ~ regardless of how much I want to help her. For when all other avenues are exhausted sometimes people just have to be responsible for their own lives and choices. I cannot go on being a part of her irresponsible everyday life because it will make me go insane. Her path is her own and I pray to God she finds the strength to get better. It is her choice and her choice alone. She is responsible for exactly how her life will go.

As for my son ~ I know he is always with me. I think about him all the time. I need to stop feeling guilty for all the woulda, coulda, shoulda's, for those are what threaten to rob me of my happiness and sanity. I need to let go of all the blame I harbour. I didn't know then what I know now, and even if I did I probably couldn't have changed things. He was his own person with his own mind. He knew what he was doing and he did it anyways. We all have our own life paths, and I firmly believe that mine will be one of much healing and forgiveness. I love my son forever and I wish he had never latched on to drugs. He could have had the most amazing future ~ the future he deserved. I wish he could have found the strength to STOP taking drugs. Now I will have to summon all the strength I have to carry on. And that's exactly what he would want me to do. May all of us find the strength to crawl out of horrible situations and help us find the light, for happiness is there for us all if WE want it badly enough. All of us are loved and worth it. ALL OF US. Peace and love, may we find our way to the joyful life every single one of us immensely deserves.